Posted by on Jun 6, 2013 in LeTravelista | 0 comments

Attack of the Flying Rats

I went to the park the other day to eat my lunch. Even though it was a beautiful day, I wasn’t really in the mood to eat outside. It was just that one of my favorite things about traveling with my husband on his business trips is eating alone. Not! I hate it with a passion and avoid it at all costs. I’d rather go to a movie alone (which is another item on my will not do list) than sit alone in a restaurant.

I do, however, like the being outside in the sun, breathing the fresh air and taking in all of nature’s beauty. So when I do have to eat alone, I will take my meal to go, and find some nice quite place where I can sit, eat and enjoy my surroundings. This generally makes up for the eating alone phobia.

Less than a minute after I sat down on a bench with my lunch, I had hoards of birds heading my way. Ducks, geese, robins, blue jays, and some other ugly birds that looked more like they were inbred than they were an actual breed. If I could translate all of their chirping and squawking, I am sure it would have sounded like this; “What did you bring me?” “What’s in the bag lady?” “Hurry up already, we’re hungry.”

Now before I go on, I probably should provide a little background on my feelings about birds.

When people ask me “do you like animals?” I have to laugh. Because really what kind of question is that? Do I like all animals? Am I an animal lover? Do I want to be a zookeeper? Do I like all animals or just some? Really, what are you asking me? Well let’s see, currently I have a dog, a cat, and four children (does that count?). So yes, the answer to your question is I like animals.

However, there is one species that I’m not fond of. Actually it is probably best to say I have a huge aversion. No, better yet, I truly am freaked out by, and cannot stand them near me.

I bet you are thinking it is something really scary.

No, not snakes. Not sharks, even though I did go through a phase in life where I wanted to be a marine biologist. Now I am leaving the marine biology up to my youngest ( I prefer writing), who has an incredible love for sharks. And it’s not crocodiles or spiders either. It’s BIRDS!!!!! Those nasty, dirty, noisy, winged flying rats.

Has it ever crossed your mind that there is a reason why rats and bats only have one letter differential in the english language? Because, they are basically the same thing. And birds, well they are just bats with feathers. So see how a bird is really just a flying rat. And we can all agree that rats are disgusting, dirty creatures that shouldn’t exist.

Seeing that these dirty creatures were obviously coming to see me, I quickly hollered out “get out of here you nasty beasts.” At which point, I am sure I startled the old lady walking by with her chihuahua. She probably thought I was a dog hater or better yet just the crazy lady in the park.

Sadly my yelling did nothing, so I figured maybe if I ignored them they would go away on their own. You know if I acted like they weren’t there and did not offer them food, they wouldn’t have a reason to stay. Clearly they had been fed by people here and they expected me to do the same even though the signs around the park specifically state you are not to feed the wildlife. But not me. I was just going to ignore them and they were going to leave me alone.

As I opened the wrapping on my sandwich, it was as if the crinkling noise was a signal to them. A signal for them to come even closer and for more birds to show up. These weren’t your normal birds who are cautious and keep their distance. These were warped, deranged, needy, feisty birds that were going to demand that I feed them my lunch. So I gave in and gave them my sandwich.

Ha, really? Did you think I would feed the creepy birds, and enable them to do this to other people? Nope, instead I started kicking them and yelling.

No need to get on the phone and call Greenpeace or the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. I didn’t harm them. I didn’t even scare them. In fact, they just kept right at it. Coming at me, begging for food, and practically taking it from me.

Why couldn’t they be normal birds who flee and run in the other direction when you head their way. Just like the blue jay that I came home and found in my living room today. Yep that’s right, a blue jay was in my living room. Pooping and knocking things over. Seriously what the hell? Am I a bird magnet? I honestly think that I put off some aroma that birds like and are drawn to. Literally as I am sitting here on my deck writing this story, I have already been buzzed by two disgusting birds. Birds surround me in the park. Birds come in my house. Birds wake me every morning squawking at 4:30am. And now birds are buzzing my head. Where’s my cat when I need her?

I am not sure when or how the blue jay got into my house but it had to have been there all morning while I was out. When I got home, I had come inside and quickly changed before I headed out to work in the yard. At that time the only thing odd I noticed was that my perfume bottle was on the ground. Luckily not broken. I just figured I bumped it and didn’t notice. But when I came in to get a drink of water, I heard a noise in my living room. Normally with four children, a dog and cat, this would be a regular occurrence. But, I was home alone, and I knew that both the cat and dog were outside.

When I turned around to see what was making noise behind me, there he was, just sitting on my leather couch. Ironically, at first I just thought, “oh no big deal it’s just a blue jay.” Ding, ding, ding, what are you thinking Carrie? You have a blue jay in your living room on the couch!

As you can imagine, no big deal quickly changed to a VERY BIG DEAL!

An unlike my friends in the park who fear nothing, this blue jay was smarter and knew to fear me. Which made it really easy to open up the closest window, move behind him and shoo him out the window.

Catastrophe adverted. Other than having to go near that nasty thing, the worst thing I had to deal with was cleaning up random piles of bird poop around my house. Gross!!!

So why oh why would this swarm of birds not do the same thing and flee as I kicked and yelled at them? Oh that’s right because all of you bird loving fools have fed them and encouraged them to do this to people. STOP feeding the birds!!!!!

When yelling and kicking didn’t work, I jumped up on the bench, and tried to eat my sandwich standing. I continued to yell at them, mouth full and all, but nothing happened. Actually, that’s not true. I am pretty sure the old lady walking her dog picked up her pace because now I truly did appear to be the crazy lady in the park that no one wants to go near. Oh, and the birds, they just came closer. So much closer, that several of them decided to jump up on the bench with me.

That just pushed me over the edge. I screamed, jumped over the back side of the bench where there was a gap in the bird swarm and ran to my car with birds trailing behind me. I’m sure it was a site to be seen.

To say the least, I have become even jumpier about birds than I used to be. In fact, every time I hear my dog move, I jump because there is a noise in my house, and I must be attracting these gross birds to come inside, right? I feel so blessed right now; my dog is scaring me, and my cat is still nowhere to be found. Oh, and what am I suppose to do the next time my husband takes me along on a business trip, and I am left to eat alone?

Maybe next time, I’ll just go to the movies and eat popcorn.



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